You tried to change didn’t you?
aint gonna lose you-brett dennon
It’s strange how sophomore year has done something to me. It’s something pretty unexplainable, but it’s a sort of slump that feels so incredibly horrible and wonderful at the same time. It feels different every day. Sometimes it’s confusing and I get tired of all the bullshit. Some days I just want to lay in my bed, not out of sadness or any of that shit, but I just want to feel the warmth swallow me up. Some days I want to drink five cups of coffee and test my limits and see how many friends I can make, how much work I can get done. It’s like a sort of game with myself. This entire year exists for discovery. New people, new places, new hobbies, and a new fire.
These are just a few things that have gotten me all fired up these days.
1. ordering five new books with my barnes and noble giftcard. I ripped that box open as soon as it arrived. One book is by the wife of my favorite author, which is mostly why I bought it, of course. It’s called a history of love, that cliche shit. I keep eyeing it on my shelf and have decided to avoid it for the time being. It looks better untouched and up on the shelf. I’ll go with the alchemist first instead.
2. The other day in the gym I saw someone I dont know reading my favorite book. I stared blankly for a minute and then got all riled up to see someone experiencing the same things I experienced my first go around with it. I introduced myself and convinced him to read all of the other Jonathan Safran Foer books out there in the world. He said he would. My work was done for that day.
3. I almost ran someone over with my car last week. I wasn’t paying attention and completely caught myself when I slammed my breaks. He didn’t look shaken up one bit, and I surprisingly wasn’t either. I was afraid for a minute, but it was all very strange.
4. I learned to knit a couple of weeks ago. I restarted my first scarf seven times and finally decided to accept my dropped stitches as evidence that I tried and stuck to it despite the fact that it looks a little wrong. It’s okay that it’s a little wrong. Im still gonna wear it with pride. I am also teaching someone to knit tomorrow so I look forward to that.
5. I just realized that I turn 20 in a few days, so there’s that. It seems like a sort of dud birthday year. Cant quite legally drink and im just escaping the threat of teen pregnancy, so woo!!
6. The new local natives album comes out on my birthday, so Im definitely gonna buy the shit out of that.
7. I have also accomplished my only new years resolution of communicating better with friends and family. I call my mom every day because I know it makes her happy. I also write letters to my friends with stationary I bought at target for four dollars. The dinosaurs on it motivate me to write. Im the worst, but the point is that I am getting better.
8. The automatic lights in the bathroom of my floor go off sometimes because I sit on the toilet for too long. Why is everything in the world so rushed?
9. It was negative nine degrees on Monday with wind chill of negative thirty five and I survived it. I was thinking about how funny it is that that has become normal to me. I suit up every day and somehow make it back in one piece. Jeepers.
10. And finally, this time of year and these next few days tend to take it out of me if I spend too much time alone listening to music that makes me feel nostalgic. I started writing a letter a month ago for the person I admire most. It’s sitting on my desktop, four pages in 12 pt font, times new roman, single spaced, unfinished and staring the biggest hole into me. I can’t decide if I will ever send it or just continue to add to it as time passes. It says a lot of things about the last year and a half, and is dripping with evidence that I can’t get past them. I typed one page with the strikethrough on. That page is all of my excuses and pathetic feelings of regret and love that weighs on me every day. Sorrys on sorrys. I kind of hope that the person I admire most will read this, but the chances of that are really slim and that’s okay. I just want them to know this year that I love them in a way that is so different than anything we ever had and all of the times we spent together. We were immature, but still I admire them and am sorry for everything that ever happened. I hope they’re happy. It’s all there in the letter on my desktop.
courtesy of henry raether.